Vintage Prosey Project: 2014 Prioritization — 10/24/12

Updating the blog here to pull old entries from the pros/e/yes archives…in their original order. This project is simply a unification of my personal blog (with a LOT of NSFW entries) and my professional blog.

Dr. Pruthpetals Westheimer Hump Day Special: Starfish!

When I was…oh, I guess about 12 or so…I had a “thing” for Lisa Frank stickers. To my sentimental amusement, my daughter likes Lisa Frank, too…though the stickers available now are far more numerous than when I was younger. I still have a lot of my original stickers…filed away in a box upstairs somewhere. I don’t know what my fixation was with Lisa Frank…and I don’t think those stickers are as cool anymore as I used to…though I still like how colorful they are, what with all the rainbows and hearts and stars and unicorns and ice cream and teddy bears…

…and it’s the stars and the hearts that I’m taking a second look at this morning. I really don’t think Lisa Frank was going in the direction my thoughts are taking me this morning when designing those images.

In fact, I doubt my thoughts occur to most people when they see images of hearts and stars…

…or what comes to my thoughts when I see Patrick Star (or any other starfish)…


I mean…seriously. The heart? When we see hearts, we think of love and Valentines and all that shit. But the heart design we’re so familiar with does not resemble an actual heart any more than a starfish or star design resembles an actual star. In the case of the heart image, its design is an inverted ass…hence the term heart-shaped ass (usually referring to a female booty) ~ and when I see a starfish, I automatically see a puckered anus. Yes, that is how my mind works…

…so it was perfect that, a few weeks ago, when I was discussing vaginal discharge with my coffee buddy, her husband suggested that I write something about ass, too. I don’t know if he was just being a wiseass or what, but I thought…hey, that’s a great idea. We don’t discuss our asses nearly enough. The only time we really talk assholes, too, are usually when referencing an ex. Which makes sense, since they’re usually full of shit, too…but no, in this instance, I’m referring to our anatomical assholes.

The importance of anal & rectal health should not be understated. This topic is not gendered in any way, either…since ALL of us have assholes. And putting aside the old joke about never shaving your ass hair…there really are many reasons to pay attention to that waste-disposal-unit and keep it healthy.

Most of us have experienced itchiness in the general ass region…even if we use a damp baby wipe or whatever to clean up after taking a shit…sometimes flecks remain in the folds, and because waste contains bacteria, when left there, it does itch. However, there are many other potential problems that can surface in the rectal region that require medical attention. If you experience unusual pain…or bleeding…or oozing…you should consult a physician to be screened. Seriously. From HPV to cancer

None of us (likely) enjoys contemplating the possibilities…but there are MANY “starfish issues” that can transpire in our asses. Pleasantness like fissures, abscesses, warts, fistulas, hemorrhoids, Pelvic Floor Dyssynergia, excessive abnormal itching (Pruritus Ani)…the list goes on. Yes, I know that this topic is not exactly dinner-table talk…and that thinking about ass drippings is less than palatable…not to mention embarrassing to think about discussing with a doctor. When I say physicians have seen just about everything, I’m totally serious. The only person in the room who will be embarrassed is you…the doc is going to be more concerned about determining a diagnosis and treatment for what ails you. Better to be a bit embarrassed and get necessary treatment than to pretend whatever it is will go away on its own.

Anyway…all this is making me hungry…so I think I will go and prep tonight’s meatloaf. Maybe I’ll shape the loaf into a heart or something.

Happy Hump Day!


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