Vintage Prosey Project: 2014 Prioritization — 10/3/12

Updating the blog here to pull old entries from the pros/e/yes archives…in their original order. This project is simply a unification of my personal blog (with a LOT of NSFW entries) and my professional blog.

Dr. PruthPetals Westheimer’s Hump-o-Weenie Special

If you know…or even suspect that it’s going to rain…would you leave your house without an umbrella and/or a hooded jacket? If you know that you’re going to be putting your hands in some slimy, sloppy schtuff, would you not prepare yourself with gloves? Sliding to a different analogy — fencers and other sword wielders not only have their sharp & shiny thingies…they also put that thang in a sheath to protect their thingies…and to protect others…from possible harm.

Happy Halloween! In case the two above images aren’t quite clear enough for ya, this entry is about condoms. Look again at the images…I’ll wait.

Yessirree…On the day of the year that so many folks like to dress up, go out, and party til they’re purple, it’s important to remember that if you really wanna get up close & personal with things that go bump in the night, then all of you needs to put on a Halloween costume.

In other words…

Last night, Rene & I had a friend over for dinner, and after we ate…over variety conversation of Prosey’s almost very favorite sort, our friend suggested that today’s entry be a tutorial about how to correctly put on (or in the case of the female version…in) a condom. I mentally hemmed and hawed a bit about making that today’s topic, but the truth is…(a) I didn’t have a ready topic to discuss, (b) some topics I have in mind for writing about I haven’t really put together properly, and (c) this is a rather important topic to discuss.

This particular topic of discussion is not directed solely at men, folks. Women, you need to know how to properly put a condom on a man (and for WSW women – as well as women who are with men who claim to “not like condoms” for whatever reason – you need to know how to insert a female condom). This entry will discuss both. I will also cover a few reasons why this is so very important…even though the reasons seem obvious to me.

Before I dive into the tutorials, let me expand on a few basic reasons that condoms (both male AND female)  are so very essential to a healthy sex life for single folks. This is not, in any way, a comprehensive or exhaustive list of basics.

I’ll start with men:

  • You guys can be carriers of silent STIs without even realizing it. For certain infections, such as chlamydia, women (especially within a certain age bracket) are diagnosed three times more frequently than you are. Part of the reason is lack of awareness of carrier status and consistent, correct condom use.
  • In the case of MSM, infections like syphilis are on the rise again. Young MSM, especially men of color, are seeing an increase in syphilis within their communities – and men of color are disproportionately affected by this sad truth.
  • Many young men are under the misguided notion that “slapping on a condom” is a matter of simple common sense. If that were true, rates of STI transmission and unplanned pregnancies wouldn’t be on the rise the way they are.
  • Yes, condoms ARE your responsibility. However, you aren’t alone in that responsibility…

Now for women:

  • Condoms are YOUR responsibility, too. Seriously. I can’t emphasize enough that you going into a store and purchasing them is something YOU need to do, too. Don’t expect the dude to always have them handy. Be proactive and assertive about your own sexual health. And DO NOT worry about any “looks” you get from store clerks. Seriously…fuck them. (Especially if you live in a red state…just fuck them and the broom they flew in on.)
  • Make putting a condom on a man part of foreplay. Think how hot that is…especially if you know how to do it with your mouth. *fans self*
  • If you are a WSW, you need protection, too. STIs transmit orally, as well as vaginally & anally. Seriously. Take charge of your health.
  • Older women…you’re NOT off the hook. I know that many of you were taught that (a) “Nice Girls Don’t…” — I was taught the same thing — and (b) after menopause you can’t get pregnant. Newsflash, the 2nd highest demographic contracting and transmitting STIs is women over 55. Get with the program. It can happen to YOU, too.

All of that out of the way…let’s talk technique. I’ll start with the standard male condom. If you really, reallyreally don’t wanna read the step-by-step instructions, you can watch a short video guide here. There are a couple of things I want to address here…because I’ve heard them SO frequently, I think dispelling faulty notions is just a good thing to get outta the way here and now. First. Yes…instructions for condom use are right on the foil packet. Of course they are. Two things about that: (1) Have you ever actually read/looked at the pictures on a condom packet? Neither have most other people… (2) In the heat of the moment, when things are gettin’ all steamy, are you really going to stop and take the time to read before taking that plunge? Neither do most other people. So…better to know IN ADVANCE.

The other thing I want to just knock out of the “faulty notion” category is something I have heard by so many men AND women that I can’t help but laugh. Some version of “my/his dick is too big” (and this can take the form of base discomfort, length, width, among other “too big” types of excuses). Look dude, if I can put a condom on over my fist and arm with PLENTY of room, your dick ain’t too big to slap on a condom. Seriously. I mean…seriously!

So…the steps…

  1. Check the expiration date. If the condom is expired, toss it and get a new one that has an expiration date that is not expired.
  2. Check the package for damage/pinholes. You visibly check for tears. Lightly squeeze the packet. If you can feel air escaping, there is probably a pinhole. If there’s a pinhole in the package, there may well be a pinhole in the condom. A hole in the condom defeats the purpose of using it. Get a new packet.
  3. Open the packet and remove the condom. It can only roll one way. You see that bubble on the top? That’s called a reservoir tip. It’s there for a reason. It’s not for tightening around the head of your penis, dude. (Yes, I have actually been told that was what “he” thought that bubble was for.) That reservoir tip is there to catch your ejaculate (spooge, spermies, semen…whatever you wanna call it).
  4. With your thumb and forefinger, pinch the reservoir tip. You want no air in there, so pinch it firmly – about 1/4 inch worth.
  5. Your little man must be standing at attention. Either a partial erection or (preferably) a full erection is necessary (see why foreplay is so awesome for this?!). While pinching the reservoir tip firmly, place the condom at the head of your penis, and with your other hand (or your partner’s hand), roll the condom down the length of your shaft. No, it doesn’t have to go all the way to the base…the end of the roll doesn’t have to reach your scrotum. Just be sure that it’s rolled all the way down…and yeah, by now, you can have let go of the reservoir tip so that there is a cute little bubble bouncing on the top of the head of your dick…like a little soldier.
  6. Lubricant. This is an iffy topic here, and really deserves a full section all of its own. Some condoms are pre-lubricated, others aren’t. One of the complaints about using condoms is that, if your partner doesn’t have enough vaginal lubrication (or, in the case of anal sex, there is no natural lubrication up in there), there will be friction…which can be uncomfortable…for both partners. You DO have the option, before sliding that sheath over your sword, of dripping ONE OR TWO droplets of water-based lubricant inside the condom…you want those droplets IN the reservoir tip (and this will help with that “natural” feeling while you slip & slide around). Once the condom is on, add some (again, water-based) lube on the outside of the condom. Do NOT use oil- or petroleum-based lubes, as they can undermine the effectiveness of condoms by causing breakage. For some good samples of water-based lubes, check here…or Google it. (That link, btw, has a few other nifty condom tips, too!)
  7. When you’re done getting your rocks off, and while you’re still erect, carefully extract yourself from whichever orifice you’ve been drilling, using your hand to wrap around the base of the condom. Once you’ve secured the condom (you don’t want it slipping off while you’re still up in that mess), extract yourself completely. With your hand still securely around the condom, gently work it off, so that all your ejaculate stays in the reservoir tip.
  8. Once fully removed, dispose of the used condom in the trash. Do NOT flush condoms down a toilet.
  9. Use a new condom for every drilling session. Never attempt to “clean out” a condom for reuse.

Now for the female condom. As with the male condom instructions above, there is also a video available if you don’t want to read this.

These are more expensive than standard male condoms, and require a bit more practice/finesse…but with practice, they’re extremely easy to use, and can be used for vaginal and anal sex. For these steps, I’m pulling directly from the Planned Parenthood page on this topic:

To insert the female condom:

  1. Same thing as 1 & 2 above. Check the expiration date, and check the package for damage/pinholes. Discard if expired or if any damage is noted.
  2. Put spermicide or lubricant on the outside of the closed end.
  3. Find a comfortable position. You can stand with one foot on a chair, sit on the edge of a chair, lie down, or squat.
  4. Squeeze together the sides of the inner ring at the closed end of the condom and insert it into the vagina like a tampon.
  5. Push the inner ring into the vagina as far as it can go — until it reaches the cervix.
  6. Pull out your finger and let the outer ring hang about an inch outside the vagina.
  7. If you want to use the female condom for anal intercourse, follow above instructions for inserting it into the anus.

During vaginal intercourse, it is normal for the female condom to move side to side. Stop intercourse if the penis slips between the condom and the walls of the vagina or if the outer ring is pushed into the vagina. As long as your partner has not yet ejaculated, you can gently remove the condom from the vagina, add extra spermicide or lubricant, and insert it once again.

To remove the female condom

  1. Squeeze and twist the outer ring to keep semen inside the pouch.
  2. Gently pull it out of the vagina or anus.
  3. Throw it away. Do not flush it down the toilet.
  4. Do not reuse the female condom.
One point of note here that is especially important to mention. Some STIs, such as herpes, cannot be completely guarded against, even with condoms. In the case of herpes, for instance, condom use can reduce the chance for contraction; however, in an active outbreak, skin-to-skin contact and potential open areas don’t really require genital penetration for contraction. If you or your partner (or potential partner) are in an active outbreak of genital herpes, abstaining from intercourse is the safest course of action.
As a reminder, for single sexually-active folks who are not in a monogamous, long-term sexual relationship, regular STI screening (at least once every 6 months) is strongly recommended.
And, lastly, while I’ve dedicated the Halloweenie Hump Day entry to condoms and their correct (AND CONSISTENT!!!) use…this is NOT just for Halloween. This is for ALL the time.
With that, have an explosive Halloween! Have fun, and be safe! xo

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